Sunday 14 September: BEFC 5 – 4 Unidentified Japanese team (friendly)

Team: Sendo, Biffa, Tim, Makoto, Kenji, Tetsu, Mohammed, Keith, Al, Giles, Grant, Andrew D, Paul

No-one knew who our opponents were. They had Argentina shirts and squad numbers running up to 178 (yes, really). Aha, it was Chelsea.

The identity of the referee was clear, at least. Last seen as the camp commandant in Bridge on the River Kwai, he reprised his role with elan, making a surly BEFC stand in line in the blazing sun while barking at us to tuck our shirts in, pull our socks up and remove all jewellery. As Alec Guinness might have said, and Tim Best did, “F**k off!”

With the thermometer melting at 35 C and at least 28 of “Chelsea”’s capacious squad waiting to take on a mere 13 BEFC, three of whom were goalkeepers, it was important for the management to secure favourable terms of engagement. Sendo duly came back to report that he had agreed on 4 periods of 25 minutes each. Um, 4 times 5 is, ah.. carry the two, 4 times 2 plus 2 is … hang on a minute!

This all-round bad start got worse once the game kicked off. 10 minutes of headless chickenry, “Chelsea” controlling territory and possession, bang, 0-1, this is going to be a very long day. But then a strange and rather beautiful thing happened: BEFC actually started to play football. Short passing and lots of talking; works every time. The midfield strings were being pulled by Tim, Tetsu and Biffa, freshly returned from putting the Bang back into Bangkok. (And the Kok.) Keith and Al in central defence settled down nicely, new boy Paul was showing signs of quality (so can obviously expect a Scotland call-up any day) and Grant was making some fine runs up front. 0-1 at the end of the quarter but at least it was clear we weren’t going to get thrashed.

Still, despite more of the same at the restart and Andrew, on as striker, causing the “Chelsea” defence conniptions with every run, he couldn’t get past their now extremely busy keeper and we hadn’t actually scored a goal. Ah, the good old set piece. Another corner for BEFC, Tetsu arriving late at the far post, 1-1. Andrew then decided on a different tactic. No-one heard what he said to the defender as they chased a loose ball across the box. “Why was your goalie’s car parked outside your girlfriend’s house last night?”, perhaps. Whatever, it worked a treat as the “Chelsea” man smashed a vicious shot into the corner of his own net.

After that it was easy. A brace of excellent goals from Andrew, a sweetly-taken penalty from Tim, 5-1 and we were heading towards “can we play you every week?” territory. “Chelsea” had a little rally late on, with a good strike from outside the area and attempts by BEFC to make the scoreline more “interesting”. Giles declined to take the one step forward which would have let him cut out a soft cross into the 6 yard box, and Keith turned from Lobbee into Lobber as he chipped into his own net. But as 5-4 wins go, it was a pretty tension-free one. Well done, everyone. Ice baths and Pocari Sweat intravenous drips all round.

And “Chelsea” – where do they go from here? I’d watch out for another 178 signings when the transfer window re-opens…