Footy Japan (TML) Cup, semi-final, 25 July 2004.

BEFC 1 – 0 France FC

As a doctor (editor’s note: this is not true), I’m often asked “what is cup fever, and how can I tell if my team has got it?” Well, it’s very simple. Schedule your semi-final for a time on Sunday morning when certain players are usually concluding their Saturday nights out by shepherding “young friends” into taxis outside the 911 club. If you get more players than it would be safe to mention in your match report (but not more than 16, no no no no), then you’ve got CUP FEVER.

There was Jun, making his first start of the year. Gareth, staging a daring break-out from Stalag Newly-Wed. Vern, whose availability has increased exponentially since the birth of his baby – well, the father can’t do much for them at that age, eh? (And let’s face it, given the mess and noise involved, who’d want to?) And Biffa, back from Bangkok (see match report of 14 September 2003 for obligatory pun) and having apparently obeyed team orders for an early night, judging by his clear-eyed if somewhat surly demeanour.

Woolhouse-watchers were excitedly comparing notes to find the last time their idol had turned out for two games in succession (suspensions not included). And our new recruit, the big Finnish lad, was back for more after a promising debut at right-back against BFC. Some of the older players were putting the word about that this was the legendary Tomo, coming out of retirement for one last shot at glory, but the young ‘uns weren’t falling for it. After all, hadn’t they seen the real Tomo just yesterday on WOWOW, narrowly missing the cut in the Saipan qualifying event for the Micronesia seniors golf tour?

In fact, the early start might have been an attraction, promising the red-clad hordes a rare chance to play football at a relatively “British” temperature. Ha! Fat chance. Yet again the sun was out, the sky was blue, there wasn’t a cloud to spoil the view, and the opposition were probably smirking “Alors, Brian, ze Rosbifs are all very well at kicking lumps out of ze opponent on a freezing January night in Shin-Koiwa, but let uz see ‘ow zey deal with our seelky dribbling skills when eet’s 38 in the shade.” Or something like that. (webmaster’s note: this site does not condone in any way the use of national stereotypes or piss-poor comedy accents. Except where the French are involved.)

And so to the game. Perhaps not the best game if you were a neutral. But who really cares about these famous “neutrals”? For neutral, read “total weirdo”. I mean, who the hell would get up at 8 in the morning to watch amateur football without having a personal interest in one team or other? Nobody but some kind of weirdo, that’s who. As no less a personage than the President of the United States of America once said, you’re either with us or against us. So the so-called neutrals can get stuffed if they didn’t like our match. We liked it just fine, thank you.

Sid showed in the first-half which side his money was on, loitering around the BEFC goal with his camera. But a cool, calm and collected first half by the Albion denied him a “France open the scoring” shot for the TML website. Rob ‘n’ Vern, the Hansen and Lawrenson of the TML, only less whiney and annoying. Keith continuing his cracking form this season as centre-half supersub. Tomo (OK, it was him) looking like he’d never been away, Simon in mean form and Biffa showing a senior player’s responsibility by curtailing his attacking game to drop deep time and again and help out. France didn’t manage anything dangerous during the half apart from a snap shot at the near post and a free-kick into the wall.

At the other end, we never really gelled but still created a good chance or two. Jun made a late bid for goal of the season with a sweet first-time volley from a perfect Woolhouse cross but the very useful French goalkeeper pulled off a brilliant stop.

There were more chances in the 2nd half, as always, with the better of them going to BEFC. The French keeper made a brave block at Sami’s feet, and later amazingly scrambled across his line, Banks 1970-style, to scoop away a mis-hit shot which looked to be trickling in at the far post. Fernando put Silvano in with a sublime reverse-angle pass, then crashed his own shot just wide. All the effort finally paid off when Tetsuro fired in a searching cross, and a French defender trying to head clear caught it thin and sliced it into his own net. The style of the goal was unlucky for France. The fact of it wasn’t.

There were uncomfortable echoes of Euro 2004 for the English element of BEFC as France came back strong. They were encouraged by some David James-like moments from your correspondent, who subsided into a nervous, concrete-handed wreck as the final whistle approached. But crucially, whereas England’s fate lay with the likes of Emily Heskey, we actually had some proper footballers like Fernando and Kenji, and so survived. And, bearing in mind the ancient Greek theme for Andy’s BFC match report, let us not tempt divine retribution by failing to acknowledge our debt to the cross-bar, which repelled France’s final, thunderous shot from a half-cleared corner.

So, a great effort all round. I’ll leave the final word to our captain. “You’ve got to be in it to win it”. Well, we’re in it.

MoM: everyone.