| The
title of this section is misleading, the word 'Dark' implies the possibility
of 'Light' entering into the picture at some point - it never did.
A more accurate description would be 'The Pitch Black, Cold, Miserable,
Bottomless Pit and Caved in Tunnel Gary Leslie Years". Now, the reader
could be forgiven for thinking that Gary Leslie, as manager, treasurer,
coach, secretary, driver and all round nice guy had a direct bearing
on the teams performance over that period - well he did - but there
is more to it. Anyone who takes the number of players on the current
teams books seriously (30 odd) may not believe it when I say that
we sometimes used to struggle to put out 5 players for the 5-A-Side
competitions and an 11-A-Side match was a pipe dream.
My
first memory of being involved with the BEFC is, ominously, connected
with the British Embassy Bar where Leslie asked me, with only a
hint of desperation, whether I played football and if I wanted to
become a member of the team. I foolishly disregarded the undisguised
looks of relief, hope and terror on his face when I said yes and
he realized that he actually had a full team and no excuse for not
entering a competition. I then compounded my mistake by volunteering
my services as a goal keeper - will I never learn !
As
our fame grew during these formative weeks the team managed to attract
some other stars and could, for various periods, boast the services
of the following:
Gary
"Own Goal" Leslie - A reputedly silky midfielder with
the ability to put the ball into the side netting from anywhere
on the pitch. He gets his name from an unforgettable incident when,
under no pressure whatsoever, he blasted the ball at his own net
whilst shouting 'Keepers' at the top of his voice. The desperately
brave but ultimately fruitless attempted clearance from yours truly
was greeted by peels of laughter from the crowds and the whir of
the TV cameras - OK Gary, I swung at the ball and kicked my own
legs over, happy now ?! Gary can be found in Kamakura currently
studying Japanese although he does occasionally deign to continue
to curse us by his attendance at some of the 5-aside matches
Ben
"I Tackled Ozzy" Whitby - Whitby is famous for his repeated
tackles on the one and only Ozzy Ardiles when the team were invited
up to Shimizu to play in a friendly match against the back room
boys. I believe Ozzy has finally recovered though the emotional
scars must still run deep as he has fled the country. Ben is now
in London.
Iian
"I'm Too Old For This" Lindsay - There
is little that can be said for Lindsay. He is still to be seen in
Japan, although he will return to London shortly, and occasionally
turns out for the glory games but he is considered by insiders to
be a bit of a turncoat as he steered his power seeking attentions
to the British Embassy Cricket Club where he is currently manager.
Martin
"You Started It" Shearman - Martin was the hard man in the team
and is famous for the time when he literally threw a member of the
French team off the pitch and we all expected a good old fashioned
punch up to follow. In response to the foul diatribe from the offending
player, Martin walked up to him, looked him squarely in the eye
and said 'Well you started it'. Martin is now picking fights with
government officials in London.
Christopher
"Harvey" Thompson - Thompson would have us believe his rabbit
related nickname refers to either his burrowing past the opposition
skills or his proficiency with the opposite sex (women I think)
- neither is the truth. As anyone who has ever shared a taxi with
him will know, Thompson is always under the impression that 'his
mate' has paid, this goes so far as to include the invisible one
on the back seat. More on Thompson in the next era.
Kurt
"Bag Of Cement" Sutherland - Sutherland took over in goals for
a brief spell where his girth was of most use. Unfortunately he
earned his name when the opposition mishit a wild shot from the
half way line which trickled down the field and past him into the
goals. This was followed a few seconds later by a level 6 earthquake
caused by Kurt diving in an attempt to make a save - he was later
heard to protest that it 'bent like a banana, man' which could plausibly
be attributed to the gravity force around (his) large bodies. Kurt
is currently in Korea but will shortly be posted back to London.
Simon
"No Hope" Winters - Sadly Winters only played a few games for
us and then became convinced that we were all colluding in a devilishly
clever plan to never pass the ball to him. Simon is now in Budapest.
Stephen
"I Never Pass" Lea - It was never proved that Lea started the
above scheme, especially in the light of the fact that it wasn't
only Winter but also the rest of the team that never received the
ball from him. However, given that he was clearly the most talented
(Italian extraction) player on the team this was not surprising.
I don't know where Lea is at this time.
Tony
"The Bodyguard" Boffa - Another Italian rooted player with a
much needed ability to hold up the midfield play and make deft through
balls, Boffa also excelled in scaring the shit out of the opposition
by flashing his multitude of tattoos and carrying a baseball bat
in his back pocket. Boffa is back in London.
David
"Pretty Boy" Cairns - Cairns played a few
times for the Embassy and even scored a few goals but extramural
activities took their toll (hairdressers, manicures etc) and he
dropped rapidly out of sight. Cairns is back in London.
Phil
"Kitty" Howard - Towards the end of the
Dark Years, a couple of people from the language school in Kamakura
joined the team. Phil was one of them and we were all looking forward
to the next annual Highland Games Tournament because we couldn't
believe our luck - we had apparently obtained a self proclaimed
goalkeeper with bags of PCTH - unfortunately this turned out to
stand for Particularly Crap Tournament Haplessness. A series of
very sloppily conceded goals rapidly propelled Phil down into the
ranks of the rest of the team where he remains until this day.
James
"Jama" Robertson - The other late entry
from Kamakura, Jama is warmly remembered for the way he disowned
Howard entirely even before the above debacle and for his parties
although his deft touch on the disco turntable is not, unfortunately,
one that is displayed by his feet. The lack of fans to form his
own fan club so that he can be president means that Jama now has
to be content with doing the team .stats - and doesn't he do them
well.
The
rumor that I was known as Andrew "You're S**t" Sowdon is
simply untrue although the team did seem to enjoy the warm up period
which consisted of belting the ball as hard as possible from very
short range at the keeper (me) and then trying not to laugh too
much when I had to go and sit down and put my glasses back together
- what camaraderie we had then! In my defense I must say that it
is blatantly obvious that these warm up sessions were responsible
for some of the more appalling goal keeping errors made during this
period and as far as I know, I am the only player during this era,
who was head hunted by another Tokyo team - needless to say my Embassy
loyalties won the day (damn idiot).
Such
was the progress of the team during this period that Leslie tightened
his grip on his position and enrolled us in a Futsal club where
we had the opportunity to practice (see under warm-up above) and
build up a massive pitch fees debt. Our competition results usually
consisted of lost 2, drawn 1, won 1 - just enough to see us knocked
out of the first round and home in time for a late lunch although
occasionally we managed to lose 3 and draw 1. Our major opponents
seemed to be the much feared French (see under Shearman above),
an Eastern Block team, usually the Russians, and the a South American
team under whichever country they decided to play for on the day.
I
think the highlight of Leslie's managing career was receiving a
letter from a 12 year old Japanese groupie a few days after we played
in a five-a-side tournament. It was a family tournament and we had
to play with two children and a couple of Japanese girls obliged.
Leslie must have slipped her his meishi ("I hope that is all he
slipped her" quipped Mr. Thompson) as she wrote to him saying that
she was really impressed by his football skills and would really
like to see him again - one of the subs kindly held her blind dog
for her while she scored more goals than the rest of us put together
which also explains why she was impressed by Leslie.
The
astute readers amongst those of you who are still awake will notice
that I have hardly mentioned the team PCTH. This was then, as now,
very high - well the camaraderie was anyway. That is about all that
I can remember of the "Dark Gary Leslie Years" and I wish to thank
my psychatrist for helping me to get over the bits that my hypnotist
couldn't make me forget.
|
![[IMAGE]](images/history.jpg)